MARRIAGE
God is overwhelmingly serious about the sacredness of marriage, and as His followers and servants it is our privilege to share this high view. Every passing year has brought a steady increase in both the numbers of and ease with which one can file for divorce in our land. Therefore, it is more important than ever to reiterate the wisdom and goodness of God’s plan for marriage.
As a result of the constant increase in the number of relationships ending in divorce, I am compelled to reassert a biblical view of marriage, divorce and remarriage that I prayerfully hold to based on my understanding of God’s Word. The Bible clearly teaches that the Lord, in His creation of Adam and Eve as husband and wife, so designed that marriage should be lifelong, covenantal, monogamous and between male and female. In addition, Scripture explicitly commands that a believer is not to be “joined together” with an unbeliever.
Conclusion: Marriage was uniquely created by God for the display of His glory and is a portrait of God’s relation to His people and Jesus’ love for the church (and therefore how the church is to be devoted to Christ).
Suggested Scripture Study: Genesis 2:18-24, Malachi 2:14-16, Matthew 19:3-6, Romans 7:2, 1 Corinthians 7:39, 2 Corinthians 6:14, Ephesians 5:22-33
DIVORCE
There is very little in life more personally destructive or painful than divorce, so it is not surprising that God so dislikes it. In fact, according to Malachi 2:16, He hates it! God loves people, including those who have been through the divorce process.
Just as the pain of divorce soaks through our culture, it likewise soaks through the church, and so with a sensitive heart, I weep with those who weep and mourn with those who mourn as a result of divorce. Given the tremendous emotional pain involved with this topic, I seek to be clear, compassionate and careful when sharing my convictions. My heart is to be faithful to God’s Word and loving to God’s people. Consistent with my core values, I want to be firm where the Bible is firm and flexible where it is flexible.
It is my firmly held belief that divorce was never intended to be part of God’s design and is always costly to the divorcing parties, connected children and society. While God hates divorce, He does not hate divorcees. Divorce is not the unforgivable sin, but it is a result of sin and hardness of heart. Divorce is never God’s best, and anyone who loves God and knows of His goodness would never consider it without broad input from community and spiritual counsel. Even when divorce is necessary to protect individuals from danger or abuse, it is to be done as an expression of love and in hopes of producing repentance in the guilty party that leads to healing and reconciliation. Even in these extreme cases, divorce is never to be considered as the end to a relationship, but only a severe mercy that will ultimately lead to less sin and eventual restoration of the relationship.
Whenever discussing possible situations that might allow for divorce, it is imperative that serious believers continually reiterate their desire and deep conviction that the hopeful resolution to all marital strife is reconciliation (restoring a marriage, of course, depends on two tender hearts). In other words, just as I never encourage anyone to rush into marriage, I likewise never encourage anyone to rush out of marriage. Forgiveness and reconciliation are clearly near to the heart of Jesus’ life and message. That said, after many years of extensive study, thought, prayer, dialogue and debate, I understand that God’s best for this body of believers is to handle the difficult topic of divorce (and subsequently remarriage) as follows:
Sexual Immorality: The “exception clause” for divorce (Matthew 19:3-9) which mentions sexual immorality (porneia) is not a permission slip or loophole which would allow or in any way recommend divorce as an appropriate action for an offended Christ follower. Just as God’s gracious covenant of love ultimately overcomes Israel’s infidelity (Jeremiah 3), the covenant love modeled by God’s people can, and should, overcome the immense pain and hurt of infidelity. As a result, where a spouse has been unfaithful, I am committed to counsel the faithful spouse to uphold the sacredness of the marriage covenant and to pursue and exhaust every means necessary to grant forgiveness and reconciliation (rather than expeditiously pointing he or she to the exception). The expectation of Scripture is that followers of Jesus first and always be for genuine repentance and restoration of the marriage by calling the unfaithful spouse to be reconciled to God.
Conclusion: There is a broad call on the believer’s life to a ministry of reconciliation and this certainly includes the Christian marriage. Even in cases of adultery in the marriage, divorce is never the first option and rarely the final option. I am fully committed to wisely and cautiously counseling toward repentance and restoration of the relationship. Though the humble work of forgiving, peacemaking and reconciliation may not be easy, the effort is worth seeing God glorified and His children walking in the light.
Suggested Scripture to Study: Genesis 2:18-24, Malachi 2:14-16, Jeremiah, Hosea, Matthew 19:3-9, Mark 10:1-12, Luke 16:18, 2 Corinthians 5:11-21, Colossians 1:19-22
Abandonment: A tenderhearted marriage consisting of two Christ-followers is always God’s “ideal.” Hard hearts cannot support a marriage, and it is not uncommon to find a hard heart in the midst of a “mixed” marriage (i.e., one composed of a believing and an unbelieving spouse). Though Scripture suggests that a “mixed” marriage, once it exists, is preferable to divorce (1 Cor 7), the Scripture allows for divorce when an unbelieving spouse insists on divorcing a believing spouse.
I’ve learned a lot about this topic over the last couple of years. There is another sub-topic I feel compelled to cover here, and that is the issue of when two believers are married, and one of them files for divorce. As previously mentioned, God only gives two biblical reasons for divorce: Adultery and Abandonment. As you’ll see in the next paragraph, I also put Abuse under Abandonment, making three total biblical reasons. If a believing spouse files for divorce, they are outside of God’s will and disobedience to God’s word. I’ve developed a process for the one being left to go through in this case. I would first suggest a slow reading of 1 Corinthians 7:10-16, where Paul gives instructions here for the spouse who is being left behind. As you’ll see in this passage, Paul instructs believing spouses to stay married to an unbelievable spouse, because it is the believing spouse who can ‘make holy’ the unbelieving spouse. This passage concludes with Paul instructing us in 1 Corinthians 7:15 “if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.”
So the determination here is whether the believing spouse who is now divorcing (and therefore abandoning) their spouse is still a believer. A couple of things we know: Jesus gives us a pretty good indication of who it is who love him in John 14, when he writes, “whoever has my commands and keeps them, he it is who loves me. And he who loves me will be loved by my Father, and I will love him and manifest myself to him.” One of the 50 commands Jesus gives us as believers is found in Matthew 19, as he commands us “what therefore God has joined together, let not man separate,” referring to divorce. So at least we can say that a believing spouse abandoning their spouse is not showing Jesus that they love Jesus by their overt disobedience. In a final step here, I always encourage the spouse being abandoned to go through the Matthew 18:15-17 process of confrontation where that spouse would first approach the other spouse to lovingly confront the disobedience. If they don’t respond, then take some people with you and finally if they don’t respond, you take the sin to the church, who then would confront the other spouse. If the individual remains unrepentant and resists correction, the church may come to regard that person as a “Gentile or a tax collector” (Matt. 18:17)—effectively treating them as an unbeliever. The purpose of this exercise is to get to a particular place: the restoration of relationships, both the abandoning spouse to Jesus, and the abandoning spouse to the believing spouse. This would require repentance on their part, and a heart to reconcile with their spouse in their relationship. I could tell you of several stories where a marriage was saved through this type of biblical confrontation where people who love the unbelieving spouse go to them and say, ‘none of what you’re doing is OK. How can I help you come back under biblical norms here?’
I love this process because it allows the believing spouse to do a few things here: First, they can then circle back to 1 Corinthians 7:15 “if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.” The believing spouse knows who they are dealing with: an unbeliever in need of a fresh relationship with Jesus. Secondly, it can sharply define what the believing spouse should be praying for here, that their spouse recommits their relationship with Christ, and that Jesus would show themselves to this unbeliever. Thirdly, they can be pursuing reconciliation with their spouse from a evangelistic perspective and can be sensitive to the leading of the Holy Spirit as to how long they pursue this reconciliation, knowing that if God were be bring someone new into their lives, they have been released from their previous marriage.
Conclusion: Though the “mixed” marriage may end in divorce, the believing spouse is not given permission to initiate divorce. Rather (as mentioned in the sexual immorality conclusion above), the faithful, believing spouse should grant forgiveness, work through difficult circumstances and push for reconciliation. And in this process, we see God working through people who love the unbelieving spouse, approaching them lovingly. For the believing spouse, some comfort is hopefully given knowing that the abandoning spouse needs Jesus and can approach them in an evangelistic fashion.
Suggested Scripture Study: 1 Corinthians 7:10-16, Matthew 18:15-17
Abuse: It is never my counsel to recommend to a spouse to stay physically present in a physically abusive situation. Additionally, in a home where there is physical abuse and physical danger to children, prudence (Proverbs 22:10) demands action. Where obvious danger exists for either a spouse or child, I support the execution of all appropriate means to bring the abuse to an immediate halt including separation, church discipline, police action, a court order and other kinds of intervention by church members, family and friends. When all means of biblical intervention have been deployed and yet denied by the unrepentant spouse, he or she will then be treated as an unbeliever. Should the unrepentant spouse (unbeliever) “force the issue” by insisting on divorce, Scripture calls the offended spouse to allow for divorce that is clearly initiated by the unrepentant spouse (unbeliever), in which case the offended spouse can lean again on 1 Corinthians 7:15 “if the unbelieving partner separates, let it be so. In such cases the brother or sister is not enslaved. God has called you to peace.”
Conclusion: Though I realize that extreme cases of abuse may escalate to a level where an unrepentant spouse (unbeliever) abandons the offended spouse (believer), I stop short of stating that physical abuse, without appropriate biblical intervention, justifies divorce. Even in cases where divorce (legal action) is the only loving recourse to protect the sinning party from continuing in his/her sin, any action taken by the believing spouse is to be done with a heart toward eventual healing and reconciliation as God allows, knowing the unbelieving spouse’s main issue is a genuine relationship with Christ.
Suggested Scripture Study: Matthew 18:15-17, Romans 13:1-5, 1 Corinthians 7:12-16, Ephesians 4:32, Colossians 3: 12-17, 1 Peter 3:1-2
REMARRIAGE
While there is a broad range of convictions on the issue of divorce among serious students of Scripture, there is an even greater variety of positions when it comes to remarriage. Through the course of this statement paper, some biblical trends begin to emerge. First, marriage was uniquely created by God and divorce is never God’s best for those that are married, as God is overwhelmingly serious about the sacredness of marriage. Throughout Scripture we see that divorce was never intended to be part of God’s design and is always costly to the divorcing parties, connected children and society. Secondly, those that divorce outside of the biblical exceptions, followed by remarriage is sinfully adulterous as we see Jesus Himself stating in Matthew 19, “whoever divorces his wife, except for sexual immorality, and marries another, commits adultery.” For those initiating divorce, they are biblically not allowed to remarry. For these initiators, as long as the former spouse has not remarried or is not deceased, I believe that reconciliation is a viable option. I believe in all cases of divorce, before one thinks about remarriage, the question of ‘Can this marriage find reconciliation?’ should be the first question. While in a season where the possibility of reconciliation exists, I believe it best honors Jesus that one should remain single or be reconciled in marriage to the ex-spouse.
The aforementioned 1 Corinthians 7 and Matthew 18 process give us really the only other exemption for remarriage. If there are two believing spouses or a unbelieving spouse that abandons their believing spouse and one divorces the other, and does not submit to neither a process of reconciliation nor biblical Matthew 18 confrontation, the ‘innocent’ spouse does have an avenue, after doing all they can to reconcile and bring their spouse back to a right relationship with Jesus, toward remarriage at a time that God would set forth for them.
Conclusion: Remarriage biblically is really only available to those whose spouses have remarried, who have passed away or who are unwilling to go through a Matthew 18 process, and are thereby seen as unbelievers. Reconciliation is jobs one, two and three. If God brought two people together in holy matrimony, He wants those people to be married. Tearing apart what God brought together and joining together with another should not be considered except in the rarest of cases.
Suggested Scripture Study: Deuteronomy 24:1-4, Matthew 19:3-9, Mark 10:1-12, Luke 16:18, Romans 7:2, 1 Corinthians 7:10-11, 15, 39
